


Galatic Brunette Sword Wars

by picklescantwrite



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Daniel After Dentist, I Don't Even Know, M/M, Slight Crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-24
Updated: 2017-10-24
Packaged: 2019-01-22 09:15:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12478264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/picklescantwrite/pseuds/picklescantwrite
Summary: Dan has to have a wisdom tooth extracted while on vacation with Phil in America. While on the ride back to the hotel, Dan thinks of the best worst movie plot ever written, involving Ernest Hemingway and a moose in space. Oneshot.





	Galatic Brunette Sword Wars

**Author's Note:**

  * For [queerofcups](https://archiveofourown.org/users/queerofcups/gifts).



> Real truth: I accidentally deleted the story I wanted to post today so I made this up instead using Mad Libs and a lot of my own experiences on painkillers. Enjoy.

A long time ago, in a brunette, brunette galaxy...

Dan had no idea why that line was making him laugh so much. Well, laugh inside his own head. His mouth was actually too numb to do anything but drool and bleed out into the giant cotton ball in his cheek at the moment. As the cab seemed to be taking the long way home and he did not like long car rides when he was feeling this out of it, he leaned his head against his concerned boyfriend's shoulder wordlessly.

"Phiw." he muttered, the muscles in his mouth still barely moving.

"Yeah, Dan?"

"Ah fink uhm hah."

Phil rubbed Dan's head. Of course he was. The emergency wisdom tooth extraction had been hell; it had taken over five hours to find someplace local who was willing to operate on them without green cards or American insurance. And even then, Dan had needed about two shots in the gum and several lungfuls of nitrous oxide before he said he stopped feeling any pain. Sure, it had been awful for Dan, but Phil's heart had been in his throat the entire time. Whatever Dan was on now, he needed some.

"That's all right. We're going back to the hotel. Everything's fine." he reassured him.

"Phiw?"

"Just don't try and talk for a while, okay?"

"Buh...buh I haf-" Dan adjusted the cotton in his mouth with his tongue, worried somewhat that he'd choke if he wasn't careful. "I haf an idea."

"Oh? What is it?"

"For a stowwy. It's rewwy bah." Dan's head fell into Phil's lap, as his neck gave up trying to work properly. "Lie somefin you'd fin uh."

"Dan, I promise you, you're not going to bleed all over if you take that cotton out for two seconds." Phil told him, ignoring the comment. Dan, unable to reach into his mouth to extract it, did the next best thing and lazily spit it out onto Phil's shoes.

"Oh. Thanks for that."

"I have an idea...for a movie." Dan said, letting his eyes close and listening to his heartbeat inside his numb jaw. "It's in space, and it's these teenagers, right, and they've just come back from Pluto."

"So alien teenagers?"

"Yeah, but human aliens. So anyway, they come back from Pluto after summer break, which sucked, because Pluto's cold, yeah?"

"Sure-"

"And on their way back, they find a man frozen in a chunk of ice out in space. They bring him in and thaw him...and it's Ernest Hemingway. He's alive."

"Hemingway?" Phil had remembered Dan brought some books with him to the hotel, but he didn't think Hemingway was among them. "That's...interesting."

"Yeah. So anyway, 2001 Space Odyssey happens, and the kids all get teleported by Hemingway to-"

"You can't just put a movie inside another movie, Dan."

"The trans...transition. It's like Space Odyssey. You know, the-" Dan put his hands in front of his eyes and did a swimming-in-air motion, presumably trying to show Phil what he meant. Remarkably, Phil felt like he understood; that entire movie was bonkers. "-the weird bit, with the tunnel."

"Oh."

"That's how they get to Moscow."

"So they're just back on Earth?"

"No, Moscow on another planet. It's another universe entirely. And so they touch down in alien Moscow, and Hemingway introduces them to his moose."

"Is there a talking moose, Dan?"

"Yeah, he hasn't seen him in a long time. It's his boyfriend."

"Ernest Hemingway has a moose boyfriend?"

"It's another reality, Phil." Dan argued, getting up from Phil's lap and holding his jaw steady. "He can do what he wants."

"Well, all right, good for him. I mean, them." Phil agreed. He was fully aware that if he'd pitched this idea to Dan, he'd be laughed at and shot down in a heartbeat, but in lieu of having no video camera, this was something he had to memorize for all time. Fodder to tease him with once he was normal again.

"Yeah. So anyway, there's a rebellion in this galaxy kind of like Star Wars. Only the leader's a woman. She's a queen with a bunch of goblins that is trying to take over Moscow and kill Ernest Hemingway."

"Wow. So he's kind of a big deal in this universe."

"Right."

"Sorry, Dan, I forget - what's this story called?"

"Galactic Brunette Sword Wars." Dan leaned his head against Phil's shoulder again, and Phil held him tight, smiling. "Like Star Wars but with a gay moose."

"And Ernest Hemingway. All right, continue."

"So the kids take Ernest Hemingway to the Kremlin-"

Phil was doing his utmost to not die laughing right now, but was probably failing to hide how red his face was. Dan didn't care. He was in his own world now.

"-they take him to the Kremlin, and Kermit the Frog is in charge. Hemingway goes to him with a gun and is like 'Legalize gay marriage in Russia-Moscow-wherever we are so my moose boyfriend and I can get married!' That's why he was out frozen in space."

"Sorry, what? Why was he frozen?"

"He was protesting the treatment of gay people and mooses in Moscow."

Even though 'mooses' wasn't really a word and this was another Moscow entirely, Phil was amazed at how Dan had managed to write some deeper meaning into this nonsense story. Russia was treating its gay people horribly, even putting them into concentration camps and encouraging families to kill their gay members. This film would actually be lauded as something of a strong political statement if it came out. Maybe Dan was aware of that, maybe he wasn't. But Phil certainly didn't want to stop him now. This was the best story he knew he'd ever heard.

"That's very noble of him."

"Right. So anyway, Kermit says no-"

"You're making Kermit a Russian homophobe?"

"No, let me finish. Kermit says he can't, not because he doesn't want to, but because the evil empress won't allow him. She's already got it out for Hemingway and the moose anyway."

"Does the moose have a name?"

"Nigel."

"Fantastic. Continue."

"So Hemingway and Nigel and the kids decide to go to the center of the galaxy to fight the evil empress and win gay marriage rights back for Moscow. The kids, meanwhile, all have superpowers. They're like the X men - one's got animal claws, another's blue with ice things..."

"One's fire, one's electric-"

"Yeah, all that. And so they're pretty bulked up, yeah. Anyway, they go to a bunch of different planets on the way and meet a lot of really cool people you thought were dead. Elvis is on one and he's not fat anymore. Regis Philbin is the president of another planet that's like America-"

"I didn't know you liked him."

"Not really. But he'd still make a better president that what America has now."

Once again, wisdom from insanity. Phil laughed, and more drool dribbled down Dan's chin.

"Anyway, after all that, they get to the evil empress planet with an army. There's this big fight-" Dan thrashed his arms around with sound effects trying to show the ferocity of the battle, and fell into Phil's lap again as Phil laughed harder. "-and then Hemingway and the moose and the five kids make it past the goblins to the base of the castle. On the way, Nigel the moose tells the kids he didn't always used to be a moose. He was a human."

"Oh. So it's okay if he loves a moose, now the people crying bestiality won't get mad."

"Exactly. He's a human brain transplanted into a moose. Hemingway loves the brain. Anyway, they get to the Empress, who's a fish-"

Now Phil couldn't help himself; he held his chest and laughed even harder than before. "A...a fish? How the-how is she an empress if she's a fish?!"

"Why not?"

"Well she can't breathe anywhere, can she? Unless she's a space fish-"

"That's right, Phil, she's a space fish. We're in space." Dan said matter-of-factly. "Got to pay attention. Anyway, so they have to figure out how to kill her. She's a really big fish that's poison all over, so if they touch her, they die."

"Yikes."

"So Hemingway realizes, the only way he can destroy her is if it's on the inside. He tells one of the other kids that he's gonna jump down her throat and kill her heart as he goes through her body, so the rest of them can escape. But the kid's got superpowers, right, so he's not gonna let Ernest Hemingway die. So the kid baits her instead, he gets swallowed. But he's the fire kid, so he burns her up from the inside."

"Wow. That's a good way to kill her, right?"

"Yeah, absolutely. She's literally cooked. The bad news is, because he still didn't get out before she was on fire, the kid dies."

"What? But Dan, if he's got fire powers, isn't he immune to fire?"

"Yeah, but not to getting swallowed."

Phil still had questions; the bestiality problem had been slightly avoided, but the big vore elephant was still in the room. "So he's permanently dead."

"Yeah, and when Ernest Hemingway is crowned King of the Universe, they have a funeral for him."

"Aw. That sounds sweet."

"Yeah, it is. And what's better is now that there's no more war and evil empress, Hemingway and Nigel get married. Only before the wedding, there's a team of scientists who can create a body for Nigel and transplant his brain into that."

"A human body?"

"Yeah. He'd be played by Jeremy Irons. Both as the human version and the moose. He's got a good voice for animated stuff."

"The moose is animated? Like a Rocky and Bullwinkle thing?"

"Better than that shit. Like Planet of the Apes, like it's a real moose there, with the voice of Jeremy Irons."

"All right. And who's playing Hemingway then?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well the real Hemingway can't play Hemingway in the movie, he's dead."

"I know that."

"All right. And he has to be American."

"Why?"

"Because-because Hemingway was American."

"Well if he can be alive in space in this movie, does he have to be American?" Dan asked.

"I...I don't know. I guess not. But maybe it'd be nice for diversity."

"Okay, that's true." Dan thought for a moment, which turned into a couple minutes of him zoning out and passing out again in Phil's lap. Phil could tell from the app on his phone that they were nearly home, and he wanted Dan to finish this masterpiece before he passed out.

"Dan? Dan?" Phil shouted, gently shaking him awake. "Who plays Ernest Hemingway?"

With a short, Dan woke up and instantly said "Samuel L. Jackson."

"Oh. Well, he's American, but why him?"

"Why not?"

Phil shrugged. "Fair enough. Who plays the kid that dies?"

"Jaden Smith."

"So they're all American?"

"They're the cast of It, with Jaden Smith as the older leader who sacrifices himself. It's poetic."

"So the kids from It and Jaden Smith have superpowers, and fight a giant fish alongside Ernest Hemingway and a Jeremy Irons-moose in space? And it's called Brunette Wars or something?"

"Yeah." Dan was nodding off again."

"Is it because they all have brown hair?"

"Yeah."

"Wow, that's...honestly the most amazing thing I've ever heard, Dan. We should put it in our new show." As Phil looked out the window as they were pulling up to the hotel, he imagined the live stage version of this all set up. They'd need to hire other actors, but he could play the moose and Dan could be a narrator or the evil fish queen or something. Wouldn't it be great if they could actually get the cast of It on for one show, at least? It would also be the perfect and best weird way to finally tell their fans that they were together.

As Phil looked back over at Dan, asleep in his lap, he shook him awake again as the car pulled to a stop. He thanked the driver, helped Dan crawl out, made sure to grab the bloody cotton balls at his feet, and helped a lethargic Dan inside the hotel lobby. He tried to walk as quickly as possible to the side-elevator with him, to avoid Dan being noticed by anyone. 

As they were in the elevator alone, Dan snuggled up against Phil. "Phil?" he murmured. 

"Y-yes, Dan?"

"I love you."

Phil smiled, and squeezed Dan tight as the elevator rose and rose. Whether or not they did end up making a show out of this or whether Dan would immediately veto this idea once the drugs wore off, this was one of the best moments of Phil's life. 


End file.
